


Their Ain't No Rest for The Wicked

by Avris



Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Child Abuse, Implied/Referenced Torture, Insomnia, Loki Feels, Loki has a heart, M/M, Mind Reading, Misunderstandings, Protective Bruce, Protective Loki, Self Harm, Self-Sacrificing Tony Stark, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicidal actions, Tony Feels, Tony Needs a Hug, Tony Stark Has A Heart, Tony deserves better, alcholic, break ups, bruce isn't actually a jerk, loki isn’t really a jerk, self blame, self deprecating, self hatred, steve forgot tony is sensitive
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-12-05
Updated: 2016-12-05
Packaged: 2018-09-06 14:39:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,628
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8756533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Avris/pseuds/Avris
Summary: Tony doesn’t sleep, can’t sleep, won’t sleep. He’s not allowed to sleep, doesn’t deserve it, hasn’t earned it. Tony absolutely will not let himself sleep.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Something I typed in about 2 hours with no real planning before hand. It was going to be a science bro fanfic but I really don't know how it became frostiron. Personally I find the science bros a lot more calming and cuter together but I also find Loki more capable of protecting Tony's emotions and I'm a sucker for making broken Tony happy, or at least trying to.

Tony doesn’t sleep, can’t sleep, he won’t sleep. He’s not allowed to sleep, doesn’t deserve it, and definitely hasn’t earned it. Tony absolutely will not let himself sleep.  
He’s alone in the tower, no one allowed in or out whatsoever. He told JARVIS that, he’s sure, not that he remembers doing so. Not that he was trying to remember, he was trying to forget everything and everyone. Forget, forget, please forget but then dammit; why could he remember every single detail of peppers face? Every expression and emotion that had passed when he continuously fucked up her life.  
He’s been alone for 3 months with only Pepper capable of asking how he’s doing but after the way things ended in New York she realized she wasn’t there for him in the ways he needed. She probably felt guilty watching him plummet to his death and not answering his last call. And dear God, she didn’t deserve that guilt. That was all Tony’s decision, his choices, and she never needed to feel any guilt over his mess ups.  
It was Tony’s fault for doing that to her, he never should’ve asked her out in the first place. He knew he wasn’t good for anyone. Fucking hell, he knew that better than anyone and yet he still dragged her into his mistakes, he dragged her through hell. She didn’t deserve someone as messed up and incompetent as he was. He never fucking deserved her.  
So when he doesn’t answer her calls for 3 weeks in a row and only allowed JARVIS to communicate with her it’s only to send her his new R&D schematics. She still doesn’t ask, not that Tony blames her. He could never blame her for his fucked up decisions, his fucked up life.  
Even when Tony disappears for 9 days and a video appears on YouTube of him in the Iron Man suit drinking from a half empty bottle of Absolut in the rain completely and utterly wasted on top of the Eiffel tower, surely only still on top because of the suit, she doesn’t ask. Nobody does.  
It continues like this for a while, all the signs of him falling and falling and falling with no one to catch him. Even when she sees pictures of him with his hands completely bandaged and blood seeping through she doesn’t ask because obviously he works with his hands everyday; accidents happen. It’s not like she’s the only one who could've checked up, though.  
They all see these same signs but none of them bother and Tony knows it’s because he’s not worth their help, their time, or their care. He doesn't deserve it.  
Tony is left utterly and completely alone and he can’t sleep because he wasn’t told he could rest. He needed to work hard, he still wasn't good enough for the team.  
After the Battle of New York everyone decided a break was definitely in order. One by one the Captain had wished everyone on the team safe travels and told them all to take a break because they had earned it but to Tony he said work hard and he hopes they don’t have to see each other soon. To Tony that sounded a hell of a lot like he wasn’t good enough, he wasn’t working hard enough and he didn’t earn a break like everyone else. It sounded a hell of a lot like Captain America was sick of seeing and dealing with Tony’s mistakes. Tony was sick of seeing himself, too.  
So he didn’t let himself rest, didn’t allow any breaks. He worked out, he designed, he drank until he was shitfaced, and he laughed while using blow torches and working with sharp metals because what else could he do? He worked hard day in and day out, it just wasn’t enough. He still knew he wasn’t worth a damn. He hadn’t done anything to earn a break so he just worked until he deserved it. He didn’t know what to do, though. He’s utterly useless and he know’s it. What else can he do to be better? God, what good is being a genius when he can’t even figure out how to be something other than being so goddamn worthless. Which doesn't count, really, because that's just something he was born with.  
He knew Rhodey was starting a relationship with Pepper and giving Tony space because he thought Tony was upset over them being together. Rhodey tells himself it's for the best and that couldn’t bring himself to watch Tony act like he was happy for them, like he wasn’t hurt at all, like he wasn’t betrayed by his two best friends. No Rhodey couldn’t watch Tony do that to himself, he couldn’t deal with the guilt that would destroy both him and Tony so he stayed out of Tony’s way. It was obviously the right move because Tony’s definitely better off this way, right?  
Tony wasn't stalking, he was just keeping an eye out for his teammates in case they needed him. So he kept tabs on them all.  
Captain America spent his days travelling the world and learning about other nations, or at least that’s what he says but Tony is sure that Steve really just wanted to get as far from Tony as possible. Stay out of range of Tony and his fuck ups.  
Thor had only come by once to say he’d come around to catch up sometime but he and Jane would be in Asgard for the majority of the year.  
Clint and Natasha said they were just going to take a break but Tony is admittedly kind of stalking when he finds out that they’re married and spending their honeymoon as Carlos and Nicole and Tony knew they sucked at undercover names (because seriously? Natalie? That’s the best you could come up with?) so Tony knew they were planning to stay out of the picture for a while. He paid for their honeymoon subtly, they're slowly getting their money back through S.H.E.I.L.D paychecks so they don't realize what he's done.  
Banner hadn’t so much as looked at him after Hulk had saved him from the fall in New York, he just got on his motorcycle the moment they finished debriefing and said bye to everyone except Tony and left. Not so much as a wave went Tony’s way and if that hadn’t make Tony wish he hadn’t come back through the portal then maybe he outta rip out the arc reactor and disable JARVIS so he couldn’t be saved. Bruce was his best friend, he understood Tony like no other. His lab is under more high security than most of Tony's tower, he knew Banner's work was important. More important than him so if Banner ever came back he'd make sure he didn't have to see Tony around.  
And even after all this guilt and hurt Tony couldn’t ever find a break. All the alcohol in the world couldn’t help him forget how goddamn screwed up he was. He tried, oh he tried harder than he had tried anything ever to forget. The problem with being a genius was that your mind never stopped, always making the connection, remember every goddamn detail of peppers face, of Banner’s leave, of Captains earnest for Tony to fucking work harder.  
No, Tony never suffered enough. So what does the universe decide he needs next? What does he get when he finally thinks he’s hit rock bottom? A firm push to an even lower level than the one he crashed on, literally. He was so drunk he wasn’t sure if he’d just fallen or if he really did just get pushed through a floor of his tower, thank whatever god gave a shit for Tony always wearing his suit these days. Or not, maybe crashing through a floor without his suit could’ve been a merciful end.  
“And I thought I was bad off,” a maniacal laugh screamed through Tony’s eardrums, “What happened to you Stark? Did your father lock you in a chamber and have you tortured for a year only for you to barely escape alive? Were you humiliated and ripped of your honor in front of every person you ever thought was on your side? Did you nearly go insane with rage and hatred for the person who did that to you? Fuck you, Tony,” Loki’s menacingly growled. Tony knew he was probably in danger but he really couldn’t bring himself to give a damn at this point. Who cares if Loki wanted to kill him, whatever. Tony wasn’t gonna argue, hell, Tony would give him every weapon he had in the tower if he just got the job done.  
“You fucking asshole, I don't want to hear your thoughts. Why did the scepter do this?! Stop screaming, Tony, fuck, your thoughts are too loud,” Loki groaned in pain, gripping his ears, “I hate you so much, I’m going to make you suffer alive. Everything's your fault, dammit!” Loki sounded like he was crying, there was so much bitterness but Tony couldn’t even lift his head at this point. He just wanted to stop breathing. His only wish was for God to have mercy and just kill him. Funny, how there’s a god standing over him who wants him to live suddenly. Tony hated his life.  
“Stark stop thinking like that, it hurts so much,” Loki gripped his chest in agony, this time Tony was sure he could feel hands tugging on his suit and taking it off. Loki was standing over him trying to get his thoughts back together and calculate the damage Tony had done to himself. All Loki could process was the loneliest fucking man to have ever existed.  
Loki wasn’t heartless, he knew what Stark was feeling but he was so mad! In all his years of living he’d never been angry at anyone, especially a human of all creatures. He couldn’t remember ever feeling so disoriented and not like himself and Stark was the reason he was so fucking vulnerable right now.  
Stark was the only goddamn reason Loki couldn’t cover himself with a mask of confidence and gracefulness like before because Tony had let him get captured. Even after all that, though, he couldn’t bring himself to hate a man suffering the way Tony was. Loki hated himself for showing mercy but when Tony’s head lulled to the side Loki couldn’t bring himself to hurt him so he carried Tony to his bed and prepared aspirin and water at his nightstand before he wandered the tower to find himself a room.  
“Voice in the ceiling are you there?” Loki sighed after being unable to find a spare room, completely lost inside the mansion of a tower.  
“Sir has named me JARVIS, how may I be of service?” The AI spoke.  
“I won’t hurt Tony so don’t alert anyone,” Loki sighed. “Is there a room I can stay in that you know of?”  
“Tony has deleted all emergency contacts from my memory. I only have access to the common police force and Tony has expressed his distrust of those people. The room on the next floor to the left is directly above Master Stark’s bedroom, if you wish,” JARVIS responded.  
Tony lost contact with everyone? That didn’t sound right to Loki. Stark was 50% of the reason Loki didn’t win, the rest of the avengers barely took up 20% and the other 30% was just Thanos’ god awful leading.  
“Thank you JARVIS,” Loki retreated for the night into the room he was directed.  
Loki pondered on what could’ve happened to Stark for him to drop this low that he would rather die than get the help he so obviously needed as he settled down for the night.

-

“Although I love surprises I’m not so sure you should be here,” Tony said the moment Loki opened his eyes the next morning.  
“Oh, Good morning Loki. Thanks for saving my life last night, I hope I wasn’t too much of a pain in the ass,” Loki grumbled, burrowing himself deeper into the warmth of his blankets.  
“JARVIS lights to 90%,” Tony smirked evilly, never one to accept sarcasm from people easily.  
“You have the biggest death wish of anyone I’ve ever had the displeasure of meeting,” Loki growled, covering his eyes.  
“That’s kind of how being suicidal works, gorgeous,” Tony said so bitterly Loki could taste it, Loki couldn’t even remember the way Tony looked with any happiness in his eyes. Had Tony been happy when they last met? Was he ever happy?  
“As much as I love waking up in the morning to see your severely depressing aura hovering over me I’d really appreciate something to wake me up? Thor has mentioned that you Midgardians have a few beverages that work well but last time I was here I was a little busy trying to rule a world and all,” Loki grumbled.  
Tony groaned just thinking of drinking another cup of coffee, “lucky for you there is as you called beverage that is the only thing worth staying alive for. Coffee is my life line.”  
“Then you should be drinking more of it, clearly the alcohol you’ve been inducing yourself to isn’t helping,” Loki begrudgingly got up, stretching his arms above his head as his toned smooth skin peeked through his rising shirt, “I’d like to try your coffee,” he looked straight at Tony.  
“Thanks for the reminder, for your sake I was trying not to drink at least until noon or something but now I’m really craving,” Tony grimaced, then tried to smile to ease the tension but even Loki could’ve mustered up a happier smile while he was being beaten with electric whips 8 months ago.  
“I was hoping to distract you from that, actually,” Loki muttered.  
“Good luck, it’s usually the only thing I let myself think about anymore,” Tony laughed, the image of alcoholic beverages clear in his head, clear for Loki to see and cringe at.  
“I just helped your sober up and you want to go back to the pathetic state you were in last night? You couldn’t even protect yourself from an unstable, weak enemy!” Loki growled.  
“Help? No you brought back my memories, I don’t want to remember, darling. You didn’t help, you made it worse,” Tony sighed, there was no poison behind his words. Only the sound of his self hatred echoing around. Loki could see flashes of miserable people, blood, explosions, disappointed glares, Tony was all alone in his misery.  
“I can feel your pain, you know,” Loki cringes, taking a step towards the breaking man.  
“Then I’m sorry, that was never my intention. You don’t deserve to feel my problems on top of yours. I shouldn’t be complaining, I know,” Tony looked down, his voice weakening with each word.  
“No, I’m sort of glad the scepter backfired. That glowing creation in your chest deflected the tesseract's power somehow,” Loki awed, looking intensely at Tony’s Arc Reactor.  
“So you’re glad because you didn’t think their was anything that could deflect the tesseract ?” Tony grimaced, thinking, again, that he was useless and he was only wanted for his creations again.  
“Stark, hear me when I say this; you have a wonderful mind and I don’t give compliments lightly, this is magnificent and I want you to understand that I genuinely believe you are worth something more than the creation in your chest but I am immensely curious about said creation, do not take that curiosity as an insult to your self value.”  
Tony took in a shuddering breath and glanced into Loki’s eyes, searching for any sign of doubt or insincerity only to see utter conviction, “okay… okay.”

**Author's Note:**

> I haven't fully figured out the ending I just want to see how it seems to other people so far. SO comment, kudos or whatever! Thanks for reading this disaster!


End file.
